Chasing Dopey: Day 2

Today I woke up feeling better, my ear has been bothering me and it has been so cold here. I get it to some 30s and 40s isn't cold, but when you have asthma the cold air doesn't make it any easier. So unless it is a race and I have to go out and run in the cold, I prefer to keep my training indoors.

Training today consisted of Week 1, Day 2 of Transform 20 and an additional workout called Best Butt for 10 minutes, that works your legs and butt. For all you runners out there, you know having a strong butt, legs and core is key to running better. I am working on increasing my cardio endurance.

As far as physical training goes, today was a good day for it. Now for the other piece, emotionally. Today I came upon a picture of 2016, I look so happy, and I miss her. It was before I lost my brother. And I just miss being that free go lucky person who thought she had problems, but did not even know what dealing with real heartbreak felt like.

In 2017, after massive heartbreak, I lost my passion for running. I will never forget running with all my heart shortly after he passed, crying the entire way, hoping I'd take my last breath too. I ran my fastest 2 miles ever. I was not afraid of not being able to breathe. I was not afraid to injure myself, I thought to myself, what is the worst that can happen... it already happened. I went ahead and ran my marathon in honor of him less than a month after him passing away. I was done. I was done with me, I was done with work, I was just done.

I forced myself to enjoy and run Princess 2018 since I had already signed up. But that was it. No more medals, no more races, no more running. And then here I am in 2019, aspiring to do Dopey. I want to fall in love with running again. I want to be that girl from 2016/2017. I want to be unafraid to run my heart out...

When the Unbreakable Breaks

As you move on through life you encounter situations where it seems like you are not allowed to be broken. That you are indeed unbreakable. And while this may be true in so many other instances there is a time that comes when you just need to sit and sort out your feelings.

We have been led to think that if you have a place to sleep, a steady source of income, meals, a loving family, you are simply just not allowed to feel broken. You put a smile on your face and push through it. You are expected to carry on and not be so selfish to feel sadness or misery.

I think this should be discarded, a person should be allowed to be sad without judgment to be held without hearing, "it could always be worse". Yes, I know it could be worse, but just listen to me now. Accept and acknowledge that I am upset, and that I too need to be listened too.

There have been days when I wake up with such sadness that tears well up in my eyes without having a justification. I immediately discard my feelings as they are invalid for I have a family that loves me, supports me, a career, a warm home, and food as needed. Slowly, I've learned that my feelings are valid, and they need to be expressed. That it is possible to feel sadness even when those on the outside think life is perfect. I've been broken, I've learned to let it out, and slowly but surely I glue myself back together.

I take a moment to take my life in, allow myself to be sad but I don't go and live there, and it makes me stronger and better. It allows me to grow as a person, to see how I can improve. It gives me a moment to breathe, to stop comparing myself to others who appear to be better off in life than me, and to those who are appear to be worse off than me. It allows me to focus on me.

I've found that there are multiple things that affect my current moods, and that there are certain situations that make me feel better. For example, my body, my physical strength, my ability to do certain things are positives in my life. I am no longer afraid of the dreaded unposed photo that I may be tagged in.

I learned to love myself regardless of how I look on the outside.

Don't dwell on things you cannot change, accept where you are, seek help if needed, and do not ever invalidate your feelings.