Chasing Dopey: Day 2

Today I woke up feeling better, my ear has been bothering me and it has been so cold here. I get it to some 30s and 40s isn't cold, but when you have asthma the cold air doesn't make it any easier. So unless it is a race and I have to go out and run in the cold, I prefer to keep my training indoors.

Training today consisted of Week 1, Day 2 of Transform 20 and an additional workout called Best Butt for 10 minutes, that works your legs and butt. For all you runners out there, you know having a strong butt, legs and core is key to running better. I am working on increasing my cardio endurance.

As far as physical training goes, today was a good day for it. Now for the other piece, emotionally. Today I came upon a picture of 2016, I look so happy, and I miss her. It was before I lost my brother. And I just miss being that free go lucky person who thought she had problems, but did not even know what dealing with real heartbreak felt like.

In 2017, after massive heartbreak, I lost my passion for running. I will never forget running with all my heart shortly after he passed, crying the entire way, hoping I'd take my last breath too. I ran my fastest 2 miles ever. I was not afraid of not being able to breathe. I was not afraid to injure myself, I thought to myself, what is the worst that can happen... it already happened. I went ahead and ran my marathon in honor of him less than a month after him passing away. I was done. I was done with me, I was done with work, I was just done.

I forced myself to enjoy and run Princess 2018 since I had already signed up. But that was it. No more medals, no more races, no more running. And then here I am in 2019, aspiring to do Dopey. I want to fall in love with running again. I want to be that girl from 2016/2017. I want to be unafraid to run my heart out...

Chasing Dopey 2020

I'm still on a high from Princess Weekend 2019.

You see for those who do not know, running the 5K and Fairy Tale Challenge (back then known as the Glass Slipper Challenge) is what motivated me to start working out. The idea of being able to run in a tutu was just so fulfilling to my heart. I decided I needed to learn how to run first. As a child, I skipped all of my runs, I always had a note to get out of running. I have had asthma since I can remember, I ended up in the ER a few times due to my airways blocking. A friend of mine passed away while playing with us in the parking lot. It freaked my mom out and she never ever let me do any type of activity that required me to run or over use my lungs.

Fast forward to 2013. I wanted to run. I went to a trail and did under .25 miles and felt like I was going to die. I could either give up or figure it out. I joined Beachbody in hopes of being able to lose weight which would make it easier on my body to be able to run. I started my workout program, completed it, and dropped close to 15 lbs in 2 months. I kept going, cleaned up my eating and found myself 25 lbs lighter. I decided to go for a run, and guess what? I was able to run 3 miles. A few breaks in between but I could RUN!

I decided to sign up for my first half in 2014. I was able to successfully run December 2014, by this time the window to sign up for Princess was long gone, and sold out, so I committed to signing up for the 5K and the Challenge in 2016, not only that but I also committed to doing the same in May 2016 and do Tinkerbell weekend because I wanted my Coast to Coast medals. The more I ran, the more I wanted. I continued running and doing a series of workout programs, completed my first full marathon in December 2015 and completed my challenges. The year 2016 was amazing! Dropped 40 lbs and felt fitter than I ever had before. I got overjoyed and gained a few lbs in 2017, got a new job, which put on much more stress and stopped focusing on me. When it felt like I would regain my life again... my big brother, my rock, my best friend, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away on November 6, 2017. I had signed up for my second full marathon, which took place in December 2017. I completed it for him and everything else became a blur. And I barely completed the 5K and Fairy Tale Challenge in 2018. I did not want to run anymore.

I continued to workout, but couldn't out do my terrible diet. So here I was... I signed up for Princess 2019. It gave me a joy... and something to keep working towards. I have successfully ran two half marathons this year, one very cold one, and a super humid one. I am now CHOOSING to work on me... to do Dopey 2020... to run a 5K, 10K, Half-Marathon and a FULL Marathon all in the same weekend. I will be documenting my training here, my ups and downs... and my workout programs. I will be substituting some run days with cardio programs because my lungs cannot handle the super cold weather, so I have to make sure I take care of me first.

Marathon Training Run- 9 Miles

So.... I've decided to document each training run for my marathon on this blog... I think it will help me access my level of running and determine on whether I'm going to go for the full in marathon or not.

I am signed up for what would be my second marathon in December 2017. I completed a marathon in December 2015. I had been running all year and felt amazing. I am back to running. I love it. It just makes me feel so free.

Backstory: I am an asthmatic. The last time I was training for this  marathon, I had what was either an asthma attack or quite possibly an anxiety attack... heck it could have even possibly been both.

I was inching up on mile 5 of a 10 mile run. I was at the point of returning. I was high up on a hill that I had previously ran multiple times. I had good pace, I had a good rhythm. And then all of a sudden without warning, a strong gust of wind started blowing and I couldn't catch my breath. I was struggling to breathe. I panicked. Tears rolling down my face, I scrambled to the side of the trail, maneuvered my inhaler out of my running belt, and covered my face with a light jacket I had on. I took two puffs, and slowly I began to regain composure.

Those few seconds, possibly even maybe a minute or two... seemed like forever. I struggled. I was nervous and scared. And from then on anytime a strong gust of wind blew, I began to panic. I still do. I went on to complete my marathon. BUT it seems as though I have forgotten how to breathe.

Saturday's run. I was doing great. I actually got back close to my average mile pace of 10:30... for two miles. Then I tried a run walk method. I'd take small walk breaks and then run as fast as I could for however long I could. It was good. Towards the end though I started to feel gassed, exhausted. I even felt a little discouraged. In my head it's how can I even attempt to complete 26.2, if I'm struggling to get in 9. I know I did it before... I know I can do it again. Just a matter of getting my head in the right place I suppose.

When the Unbreakable Breaks

As you move on through life you encounter situations where it seems like you are not allowed to be broken. That you are indeed unbreakable. And while this may be true in so many other instances there is a time that comes when you just need to sit and sort out your feelings.

We have been led to think that if you have a place to sleep, a steady source of income, meals, a loving family, you are simply just not allowed to feel broken. You put a smile on your face and push through it. You are expected to carry on and not be so selfish to feel sadness or misery.

I think this should be discarded, a person should be allowed to be sad without judgment to be held without hearing, "it could always be worse". Yes, I know it could be worse, but just listen to me now. Accept and acknowledge that I am upset, and that I too need to be listened too.

There have been days when I wake up with such sadness that tears well up in my eyes without having a justification. I immediately discard my feelings as they are invalid for I have a family that loves me, supports me, a career, a warm home, and food as needed. Slowly, I've learned that my feelings are valid, and they need to be expressed. That it is possible to feel sadness even when those on the outside think life is perfect. I've been broken, I've learned to let it out, and slowly but surely I glue myself back together.

I take a moment to take my life in, allow myself to be sad but I don't go and live there, and it makes me stronger and better. It allows me to grow as a person, to see how I can improve. It gives me a moment to breathe, to stop comparing myself to others who appear to be better off in life than me, and to those who are appear to be worse off than me. It allows me to focus on me.

I've found that there are multiple things that affect my current moods, and that there are certain situations that make me feel better. For example, my body, my physical strength, my ability to do certain things are positives in my life. I am no longer afraid of the dreaded unposed photo that I may be tagged in.

I learned to love myself regardless of how I look on the outside.

Don't dwell on things you cannot change, accept where you are, seek help if needed, and do not ever invalidate your feelings.