Bikini Conundrum

As I stood in front of the mirror in a bathing suit that was not black... I battled with myself.

I looked at every dimple, I scrutinized every single stretch mark. Oh yeah, I haven't even been pregnant and I have stretch marks from my weight gain. I took selfies on a mirror, front, side, other side and back... I ran downstairs and took another set of pics because the lighting would be different. And in the end... I just said fuck it. I don't care. I wore it.

Then came time to take off the clothes over it, aye.. and there it went again. My self doubt, wore a shirt over it, then took it off, and thought just do it. And then there it was, a picture, I felt so proud for taking it. And then the shirt went back on again. Once in the water, off it went again. Hidden in my tube. As soon as I was out of the water I put the shirt on again. And this was after a few drinks, it was an internal self love battle. I KNOW how hard I have worked. I KNOW what I have given up... I KNOW how far I have come, but others don't. Fear of judgment is so wicked, it's a sickening sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I went to the bathroom changed into dry clothes and all was alright with the world again. Then I looked at the pic, and then I posted it. I DID IT. I put myself out there. I had to. It was a bit of redemption for me,

because I work for that body, because that body works for me. EVERY DAY it gets me to where I need to, it jumps a bit higher for me, it pushes out one more rep, I'm a work in progress, and that is ok.

I'll get to where I want to be eventually, and if I don't... I still love who I am, my husband loves who I am, my family loves me for who I am... so why get tied up in knots over a dimple, over a stretch mark.

That girl in the mirror deserves better, I don't let her eat cookies as often as she'd like ;)

Why Beachbody?

So Beachbody...

Throughout the years I've seen these types of companies get a bad name. They are an MLM and only those who are stupid fall for it. Why would anyone.... sound familiar?

Let me give you my opinion and my WHY.

I struggle. I struggle to make friends, I have only a few people who I am close to. The older I get the harder I was finding it to make friends. I am not social. I am not the girl who is going to kickoff a conversation. I am not the one who goes out of her way to talk to those who are quiet. I am the girl who sits in the corner of a room and keeps to herself, if I have a phone even better.

In 2012, a year after my Catholic Wedding, I found myself a bit lost. While I love my husband, I had submerged myself into an abyss of work and school. I was exhausted and finding eating my feelings. I had always been the fat girl. ALWAYS. Every time I went to Mexico I felt horrible. And many may not know.. but I overheard a conversation from an uncle stating that I no longer wanted to visit my cousins because they were all pretty and skinny and I WAS NOT. It broke my heart. It sent me into a spiral of diet pills, wraps, body shapers, weight watchers, starvation, over eating and then disposing of it.

I entered a phase of depression. Real depression. But I will go into that in another post as I am not fully ready to talk about it... yet.

I have a feeling my family knew. One person specifically. My brother encouraged me to try T25, that we would get the three payment option and go half and half on it and that he would do it with me. On days I didn't want to... he pushed me and days he didn't want to I pushed him. I had already failed Insanity twice, so I was weary of doing another Shaun T program.

But this one was different. This one was 25 minutes. And little by little I was able to do a bit more and more... I started following Tania Baron. And she was modifying which allowed me to follow along. Shaun T's encouragement made me push harder and harder, and just like that, I finished my first Beachbody program ever. 12 lbs lighter, 100xs more confident... and I felt like a new me.

Tania kept posting things that just spoke to me. And I felt like I knew her. I joined one of her challenge groups and then another and another. And little by little when my brother was unable to work out with me anymore, it was ok because I had my own will and my own squad. These girls became my friends, a non judgmental space where we could ask anything and support each other. Women who had never met each other in person were pushing each other in every way they could. I was ecstatic!

My first event was just as impactful. I met my coach, the woman who changed my life, I met some of these women and got to hug them for the first time. These were my friends.

I did not want ANYONE else to ever feel the way I did, to walk into that mirror and just now know what to do where to go. I felt judged when I walked into the gym. I felt inadequate and like people were pointing and laughing at me as this had happened before. I decided to become a coach for the discount.

The shakes worked for me. They helped reduce my cravings, my digestive system and even better, it tasted delicious and I was not getting sick 8+ times a year. It works for me. Think what you may, we're not all the same, what works for me may not work for you and that's ok.

The more people saw me changing, not only physically but emotionally they began to ask what I was doing... and I wanted to share with the world what was working for me. I am not trying to con you. I am sincerely trying to help. I'm trying to share what worked for me. What I did. Because it may help someone.

This company is everything I need, it is what I need at the right time. Yes I was weary at first, yes I was scared. I am a latina, I think every one is out to get you. :) I have a true passion in this company, I believe in the trainers, I believe in the product, I believe in my squad.

I AM BACK!

I let life take control of me.

I let the little things in life supersede my goals, and myself.

But I'm back, and this time I am blogging my journey and myself.

I am going to be open and I am going to be me... WARNING. I will be real and raw.

And you may get a mindful somedays...

My thoughts so far...

A few days ago I realized how tough it is for women to support women, but even more so for latina women to support latina women.

I have received backlash from people I cared for, just for the simple matter of pursuing my dreams. I was not meant to work 9-5, I was not born to do meaningless tasks. I want to build my empire. I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to take risks.

I do not want to wake up one day and realize my whole life was given to a company who has decided I am of no use to them any longer. That I can be replaceable, and I find myself scrambling to get a job. Yes a JOB. Not a career.

Why wake up miserable every day and go to a place you hate, when you have the ability to soar and go beyond what is the normal? Why are you discouraged from being an entrepreneur, of finding your strengths and capitalizing on them?

I was told people don't think I have a real career because I CHOOSE to help others through Beachbody. I have a Bachelors and an MBA. I have a full time career at a great company, but guess what? I CHOOSE to work extra hours because I am passionate about fitness. I am passionate about self love, and I am passionate about battling depression.

Your body image and how you feel about yourself has an insane amount of control over how you feel, how you act, how you perceive yourself. If you are not happy with yourself... no one around you will be happy either.

It seems the Latino community only sees those with official titles as successful... your doctors, your nurses, your teachers... which is a great accomplishment to those who choose to pursue this path. My only hope is you find passion in your career everyday and that you truly care about those you are servicing.

For me, I was meant to think outside the box. I do not want to be limited to my abilities and skills. I want to go above and beyond and be the best I can be for me.

When the Unbreakable Breaks

As you move on through life you encounter situations where it seems like you are not allowed to be broken. That you are indeed unbreakable. And while this may be true in so many other instances there is a time that comes when you just need to sit and sort out your feelings.

We have been led to think that if you have a place to sleep, a steady source of income, meals, a loving family, you are simply just not allowed to feel broken. You put a smile on your face and push through it. You are expected to carry on and not be so selfish to feel sadness or misery.

I think this should be discarded, a person should be allowed to be sad without judgment to be held without hearing, "it could always be worse". Yes, I know it could be worse, but just listen to me now. Accept and acknowledge that I am upset, and that I too need to be listened too.

There have been days when I wake up with such sadness that tears well up in my eyes without having a justification. I immediately discard my feelings as they are invalid for I have a family that loves me, supports me, a career, a warm home, and food as needed. Slowly, I've learned that my feelings are valid, and they need to be expressed. That it is possible to feel sadness even when those on the outside think life is perfect. I've been broken, I've learned to let it out, and slowly but surely I glue myself back together.

I take a moment to take my life in, allow myself to be sad but I don't go and live there, and it makes me stronger and better. It allows me to grow as a person, to see how I can improve. It gives me a moment to breathe, to stop comparing myself to others who appear to be better off in life than me, and to those who are appear to be worse off than me. It allows me to focus on me.

I've found that there are multiple things that affect my current moods, and that there are certain situations that make me feel better. For example, my body, my physical strength, my ability to do certain things are positives in my life. I am no longer afraid of the dreaded unposed photo that I may be tagged in.

I learned to love myself regardless of how I look on the outside.

Don't dwell on things you cannot change, accept where you are, seek help if needed, and do not ever invalidate your feelings.

Filter My Mirror

There are often times I find that the most amazing people lose themselves. They are great at making others feel great about themselves, about supporting others, and when it comes down to themselves they cannot do the same. They stare into that mirror and pick at every flaw, every imperfection. 

We've been conditioned to look at ourselves in comparison to an Instagram filter. I myself am guilty. I downloaded an app that "beautifies" you in one click.

So what exactly is one click beautification? This click, slims you down, makes your eyes larger, and blurs out any dimples, moles or so said "imperfection" off your face. Who decided this was the standard to be beautiful? Why must we obsess over IG models portrayal of life? Why must we obsess over taking the right angled picture and picking the correct filter? And when the camera is off... we can't love the image on the mirror, because there is no filter or beautify button. 

What will it take for us to appreciate that reflection? Because we are all beautiful. We all are unique, and we need to embrace our physical appearance. We don't need to diet, we don't need to obsess over how many calories go into our bodies, we can't think of working out as a punishment for going to happy hour with our friends, or enjoying a nice Thanksgiving dinner with out family. 

Learn to love yourself, if you want to change your physical appearance do something about it, but embrace that it is going to be a slow process. Don't starve yourself, don't limit yourself to life. If you're happy the way you are, then be you! Love it, flaunt it and don't look back... don't troll on the person who is doing something about it. 

I've often felt the need to compare my results to others. To cry and obsess over how skinny I could get, how many calories I could get away with eating without feeling dizzy... and when I did eat more than I should have, how to get it out of my body. It is taboo to talk about issues we struggle with. And slowly we lose ourselves as we try to smile at others and lift them up without lifting ourselves up. 

We don't want to be judged, we want to be seen as the girl with the perfect life, the perfect poses, the dazzling smile, the one who has friends around her all the time... everyone's envy. So I invite you to love yourself, to look beyond the mirror, and to forget about filters, to seek help if you need it, to lift yourself up, just as you would lift others up. Take a deep breath beautiful, stop trying to filter your mirror. 

Living Life Through a Pink Lens

A few facts about me

I am a believer in Pink, Fairy Tales, and Dreams coming True. 

I am a girl who has always had dreams larger than a girl can imagine. I distinctly remember being 12 years old and telling my mother I was going to go to college and I was going to sleep in a dorm. Being from humble origins my mother laughed it off and did not save for me to go to college.

We lived 15 minutes from Disneyland, to this date I have never gone with my parents. I went to Disneyland 3 times, my godmother helped pay for it. I was never able to buy anything, and always wanted to live in a fairy tale.

I went to UT Austin, graduated, moved to DC, moved back to San Antonio. Completed my Master's in Business Administration and got promoted in my job.

I lived my life in fear of being unable to breathe. I grew up with asthma. I've been to the ER twice for airway constriction. I was never allowed to run and have always had a weight problem.

In 2013, I decided I wanted to run the Princess Half Marathon. I decided I was going to run 13.1 miles. I started with 1, and had my heart broken when I couldn't even run .5 miles. I gave up.

I woke up one day to a picture of me on social media. And I didn't recognize who I was. I cried and cried. I had a friend pick me up, we started Weight Watchers. And just like all other efforts I failed. I ordered T25 in hopes of maybe being able to complete something this time. And I did. And it changed my life.

I learned to love myself, a relatively new concept to me. I learned to be proud of the person I had become, of the person who stared back at me in the mirror.

I am now proud to say I have completed a 5K, 10K, Half Marathon and even a Full Marathon. I completed the Glass Slipper Challenge and the Pixie Dust Challenge, I have lost 40 plus pounds but most important of all I learned to accept me for me.