Chasing Dopey: Day 2

Today I woke up feeling better, my ear has been bothering me and it has been so cold here. I get it to some 30s and 40s isn't cold, but when you have asthma the cold air doesn't make it any easier. So unless it is a race and I have to go out and run in the cold, I prefer to keep my training indoors.

Training today consisted of Week 1, Day 2 of Transform 20 and an additional workout called Best Butt for 10 minutes, that works your legs and butt. For all you runners out there, you know having a strong butt, legs and core is key to running better. I am working on increasing my cardio endurance.

As far as physical training goes, today was a good day for it. Now for the other piece, emotionally. Today I came upon a picture of 2016, I look so happy, and I miss her. It was before I lost my brother. And I just miss being that free go lucky person who thought she had problems, but did not even know what dealing with real heartbreak felt like.

In 2017, after massive heartbreak, I lost my passion for running. I will never forget running with all my heart shortly after he passed, crying the entire way, hoping I'd take my last breath too. I ran my fastest 2 miles ever. I was not afraid of not being able to breathe. I was not afraid to injure myself, I thought to myself, what is the worst that can happen... it already happened. I went ahead and ran my marathon in honor of him less than a month after him passing away. I was done. I was done with me, I was done with work, I was just done.

I forced myself to enjoy and run Princess 2018 since I had already signed up. But that was it. No more medals, no more races, no more running. And then here I am in 2019, aspiring to do Dopey. I want to fall in love with running again. I want to be that girl from 2016/2017. I want to be unafraid to run my heart out...

Chasing Dopey 2020

I'm still on a high from Princess Weekend 2019.

You see for those who do not know, running the 5K and Fairy Tale Challenge (back then known as the Glass Slipper Challenge) is what motivated me to start working out. The idea of being able to run in a tutu was just so fulfilling to my heart. I decided I needed to learn how to run first. As a child, I skipped all of my runs, I always had a note to get out of running. I have had asthma since I can remember, I ended up in the ER a few times due to my airways blocking. A friend of mine passed away while playing with us in the parking lot. It freaked my mom out and she never ever let me do any type of activity that required me to run or over use my lungs.

Fast forward to 2013. I wanted to run. I went to a trail and did under .25 miles and felt like I was going to die. I could either give up or figure it out. I joined Beachbody in hopes of being able to lose weight which would make it easier on my body to be able to run. I started my workout program, completed it, and dropped close to 15 lbs in 2 months. I kept going, cleaned up my eating and found myself 25 lbs lighter. I decided to go for a run, and guess what? I was able to run 3 miles. A few breaks in between but I could RUN!

I decided to sign up for my first half in 2014. I was able to successfully run December 2014, by this time the window to sign up for Princess was long gone, and sold out, so I committed to signing up for the 5K and the Challenge in 2016, not only that but I also committed to doing the same in May 2016 and do Tinkerbell weekend because I wanted my Coast to Coast medals. The more I ran, the more I wanted. I continued running and doing a series of workout programs, completed my first full marathon in December 2015 and completed my challenges. The year 2016 was amazing! Dropped 40 lbs and felt fitter than I ever had before. I got overjoyed and gained a few lbs in 2017, got a new job, which put on much more stress and stopped focusing on me. When it felt like I would regain my life again... my big brother, my rock, my best friend, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away on November 6, 2017. I had signed up for my second full marathon, which took place in December 2017. I completed it for him and everything else became a blur. And I barely completed the 5K and Fairy Tale Challenge in 2018. I did not want to run anymore.

I continued to workout, but couldn't out do my terrible diet. So here I was... I signed up for Princess 2019. It gave me a joy... and something to keep working towards. I have successfully ran two half marathons this year, one very cold one, and a super humid one. I am now CHOOSING to work on me... to do Dopey 2020... to run a 5K, 10K, Half-Marathon and a FULL Marathon all in the same weekend. I will be documenting my training here, my ups and downs... and my workout programs. I will be substituting some run days with cardio programs because my lungs cannot handle the super cold weather, so I have to make sure I take care of me first.

Marathon Training Run- 9 Miles

So.... I've decided to document each training run for my marathon on this blog... I think it will help me access my level of running and determine on whether I'm going to go for the full in marathon or not.

I am signed up for what would be my second marathon in December 2017. I completed a marathon in December 2015. I had been running all year and felt amazing. I am back to running. I love it. It just makes me feel so free.

Backstory: I am an asthmatic. The last time I was training for this  marathon, I had what was either an asthma attack or quite possibly an anxiety attack... heck it could have even possibly been both.

I was inching up on mile 5 of a 10 mile run. I was at the point of returning. I was high up on a hill that I had previously ran multiple times. I had good pace, I had a good rhythm. And then all of a sudden without warning, a strong gust of wind started blowing and I couldn't catch my breath. I was struggling to breathe. I panicked. Tears rolling down my face, I scrambled to the side of the trail, maneuvered my inhaler out of my running belt, and covered my face with a light jacket I had on. I took two puffs, and slowly I began to regain composure.

Those few seconds, possibly even maybe a minute or two... seemed like forever. I struggled. I was nervous and scared. And from then on anytime a strong gust of wind blew, I began to panic. I still do. I went on to complete my marathon. BUT it seems as though I have forgotten how to breathe.

Saturday's run. I was doing great. I actually got back close to my average mile pace of 10:30... for two miles. Then I tried a run walk method. I'd take small walk breaks and then run as fast as I could for however long I could. It was good. Towards the end though I started to feel gassed, exhausted. I even felt a little discouraged. In my head it's how can I even attempt to complete 26.2, if I'm struggling to get in 9. I know I did it before... I know I can do it again. Just a matter of getting my head in the right place I suppose.

Bikini Conundrum

As I stood in front of the mirror in a bathing suit that was not black... I battled with myself.

I looked at every dimple, I scrutinized every single stretch mark. Oh yeah, I haven't even been pregnant and I have stretch marks from my weight gain. I took selfies on a mirror, front, side, other side and back... I ran downstairs and took another set of pics because the lighting would be different. And in the end... I just said fuck it. I don't care. I wore it.

Then came time to take off the clothes over it, aye.. and there it went again. My self doubt, wore a shirt over it, then took it off, and thought just do it. And then there it was, a picture, I felt so proud for taking it. And then the shirt went back on again. Once in the water, off it went again. Hidden in my tube. As soon as I was out of the water I put the shirt on again. And this was after a few drinks, it was an internal self love battle. I KNOW how hard I have worked. I KNOW what I have given up... I KNOW how far I have come, but others don't. Fear of judgment is so wicked, it's a sickening sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I went to the bathroom changed into dry clothes and all was alright with the world again. Then I looked at the pic, and then I posted it. I DID IT. I put myself out there. I had to. It was a bit of redemption for me,

because I work for that body, because that body works for me. EVERY DAY it gets me to where I need to, it jumps a bit higher for me, it pushes out one more rep, I'm a work in progress, and that is ok.

I'll get to where I want to be eventually, and if I don't... I still love who I am, my husband loves who I am, my family loves me for who I am... so why get tied up in knots over a dimple, over a stretch mark.

That girl in the mirror deserves better, I don't let her eat cookies as often as she'd like ;)

Why Beachbody?

So Beachbody...

Throughout the years I've seen these types of companies get a bad name. They are an MLM and only those who are stupid fall for it. Why would anyone.... sound familiar?

Let me give you my opinion and my WHY.

I struggle. I struggle to make friends, I have only a few people who I am close to. The older I get the harder I was finding it to make friends. I am not social. I am not the girl who is going to kickoff a conversation. I am not the one who goes out of her way to talk to those who are quiet. I am the girl who sits in the corner of a room and keeps to herself, if I have a phone even better.

In 2012, a year after my Catholic Wedding, I found myself a bit lost. While I love my husband, I had submerged myself into an abyss of work and school. I was exhausted and finding eating my feelings. I had always been the fat girl. ALWAYS. Every time I went to Mexico I felt horrible. And many may not know.. but I overheard a conversation from an uncle stating that I no longer wanted to visit my cousins because they were all pretty and skinny and I WAS NOT. It broke my heart. It sent me into a spiral of diet pills, wraps, body shapers, weight watchers, starvation, over eating and then disposing of it.

I entered a phase of depression. Real depression. But I will go into that in another post as I am not fully ready to talk about it... yet.

I have a feeling my family knew. One person specifically. My brother encouraged me to try T25, that we would get the three payment option and go half and half on it and that he would do it with me. On days I didn't want to... he pushed me and days he didn't want to I pushed him. I had already failed Insanity twice, so I was weary of doing another Shaun T program.

But this one was different. This one was 25 minutes. And little by little I was able to do a bit more and more... I started following Tania Baron. And she was modifying which allowed me to follow along. Shaun T's encouragement made me push harder and harder, and just like that, I finished my first Beachbody program ever. 12 lbs lighter, 100xs more confident... and I felt like a new me.

Tania kept posting things that just spoke to me. And I felt like I knew her. I joined one of her challenge groups and then another and another. And little by little when my brother was unable to work out with me anymore, it was ok because I had my own will and my own squad. These girls became my friends, a non judgmental space where we could ask anything and support each other. Women who had never met each other in person were pushing each other in every way they could. I was ecstatic!

My first event was just as impactful. I met my coach, the woman who changed my life, I met some of these women and got to hug them for the first time. These were my friends.

I did not want ANYONE else to ever feel the way I did, to walk into that mirror and just now know what to do where to go. I felt judged when I walked into the gym. I felt inadequate and like people were pointing and laughing at me as this had happened before. I decided to become a coach for the discount.

The shakes worked for me. They helped reduce my cravings, my digestive system and even better, it tasted delicious and I was not getting sick 8+ times a year. It works for me. Think what you may, we're not all the same, what works for me may not work for you and that's ok.

The more people saw me changing, not only physically but emotionally they began to ask what I was doing... and I wanted to share with the world what was working for me. I am not trying to con you. I am sincerely trying to help. I'm trying to share what worked for me. What I did. Because it may help someone.

This company is everything I need, it is what I need at the right time. Yes I was weary at first, yes I was scared. I am a latina, I think every one is out to get you. :) I have a true passion in this company, I believe in the trainers, I believe in the product, I believe in my squad.

I AM BACK!

I let life take control of me.

I let the little things in life supersede my goals, and myself.

But I'm back, and this time I am blogging my journey and myself.

I am going to be open and I am going to be me... WARNING. I will be real and raw.

And you may get a mindful somedays...

My thoughts so far...

A few days ago I realized how tough it is for women to support women, but even more so for latina women to support latina women.

I have received backlash from people I cared for, just for the simple matter of pursuing my dreams. I was not meant to work 9-5, I was not born to do meaningless tasks. I want to build my empire. I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to take risks.

I do not want to wake up one day and realize my whole life was given to a company who has decided I am of no use to them any longer. That I can be replaceable, and I find myself scrambling to get a job. Yes a JOB. Not a career.

Why wake up miserable every day and go to a place you hate, when you have the ability to soar and go beyond what is the normal? Why are you discouraged from being an entrepreneur, of finding your strengths and capitalizing on them?

I was told people don't think I have a real career because I CHOOSE to help others through Beachbody. I have a Bachelors and an MBA. I have a full time career at a great company, but guess what? I CHOOSE to work extra hours because I am passionate about fitness. I am passionate about self love, and I am passionate about battling depression.

Your body image and how you feel about yourself has an insane amount of control over how you feel, how you act, how you perceive yourself. If you are not happy with yourself... no one around you will be happy either.

It seems the Latino community only sees those with official titles as successful... your doctors, your nurses, your teachers... which is a great accomplishment to those who choose to pursue this path. My only hope is you find passion in your career everyday and that you truly care about those you are servicing.

For me, I was meant to think outside the box. I do not want to be limited to my abilities and skills. I want to go above and beyond and be the best I can be for me.

When the Unbreakable Breaks

As you move on through life you encounter situations where it seems like you are not allowed to be broken. That you are indeed unbreakable. And while this may be true in so many other instances there is a time that comes when you just need to sit and sort out your feelings.

We have been led to think that if you have a place to sleep, a steady source of income, meals, a loving family, you are simply just not allowed to feel broken. You put a smile on your face and push through it. You are expected to carry on and not be so selfish to feel sadness or misery.

I think this should be discarded, a person should be allowed to be sad without judgment to be held without hearing, "it could always be worse". Yes, I know it could be worse, but just listen to me now. Accept and acknowledge that I am upset, and that I too need to be listened too.

There have been days when I wake up with such sadness that tears well up in my eyes without having a justification. I immediately discard my feelings as they are invalid for I have a family that loves me, supports me, a career, a warm home, and food as needed. Slowly, I've learned that my feelings are valid, and they need to be expressed. That it is possible to feel sadness even when those on the outside think life is perfect. I've been broken, I've learned to let it out, and slowly but surely I glue myself back together.

I take a moment to take my life in, allow myself to be sad but I don't go and live there, and it makes me stronger and better. It allows me to grow as a person, to see how I can improve. It gives me a moment to breathe, to stop comparing myself to others who appear to be better off in life than me, and to those who are appear to be worse off than me. It allows me to focus on me.

I've found that there are multiple things that affect my current moods, and that there are certain situations that make me feel better. For example, my body, my physical strength, my ability to do certain things are positives in my life. I am no longer afraid of the dreaded unposed photo that I may be tagged in.

I learned to love myself regardless of how I look on the outside.

Don't dwell on things you cannot change, accept where you are, seek help if needed, and do not ever invalidate your feelings.